Try, Try Again
Recently my husband and I found ourselves once again caught in the loop of one of our never-ending-forever-annoying-oh-my-gosh-can-we-please-just-agree disagreements. According to the research of Dr. John Gorman, about 69% of marital disagreements are what he considers to be perpetual problems. That is, issues that are unlikely to ever be “solved” because they are actually rooted in the fundamental personality differences of the separate, distinct people in the marriage. While striking, this figure doesn’t actually feel surprising when I consider any number of conversations taking place at this exact spot in front of my fridge.
So, here we are, mid loop, when I ask him, exasperated, “is it your expectation that I continue to make myself vulnerable in this area of our relationship and just keep trying? Even though it hasn’t exactly gone how I’d want in the past? Even though it makes me sad and scared?” Without hesitation, he said “Yes. Absolutely.”
Wait. What? He had to be joking, right? You could say that my initial reaction was one of definite annoyance, self-righteousness and even belittling. I felt like the person I love most in the world, and want to be near always, was telling me that my feelings were unimportant and that a constant uphill battle may be the same hill I die on top of, if ever I reach the top. Though our core values are deeply aligned, there are areas of day-to-day life that sometimes, we just don’t see eye to eye. We each lived a lot of life before even knowing one another. When the anger passed, and I allowed (expected?) myself to see things with clarity, I recognized a deep, resounding truth. What my husband was asking of me was neither unreasonable, nor unkind. It wasn’t dismissive or self-centered. What he was asking of me was necessary for a thriving marriage and indeed, life.
Relationship of any kind is simply the coming together of two deeply flawed people. What happens in the space between as the dance of connection or disconnection unfold is bound to have elements of recurring pain, fear, rejection, and dismay. It is almost intuitive, in these moments, to slowly build a structure around yourself, between you and the person you are trying so hard to be in relationship with. It feels protective. It feels proactive. It feels like some amount of control. But what it also does is create an insulated chamber, effectively muffling the voice of the other and echoing your own. Within this chamber, not only is there no room for the voice of another, but there is no space for the dance of connection.
This extends to the art and science of therapy, as well. In my 11 years of doing this work, I have encountered many who have been so deeply wounded that the thought of creating an opening big enough for another soul to come through and sit next to theirs felt so debilitating that the lonely chamber of their own creation, in response to trauma, felt somehow safer. Somehow more intuitive. What we know about the brain, though, is that healing takes place in the presence of human connection, not the absence. It is through corrective socioemotional experience that we can truly change patterns set in motion by our intuitive, primal drive to survive and perpetuate.
So, I invite you to acknowledge the fear, the anger, the deep desire to dig your heels in and self-protect. And then, I invite you to climb out of that beautiful, lonely chamber you’ve made and consider connecting with another. There are various ways that corrective therapeutic relational experiences can unfold, and certainly it starts with finding the right fit for you.
Is it my expectation that you continue to make yourself vulnerable in this area of your life and just keep trying? Even though it hasn’t exactly gone how you’d wanted in the past? Even though it makes you sad?
Yes. Absolutely.
Take care of you,
Dr. Watts
*Importantly, these concepts are only true of safe relationship; the presence of abuse of any kind negates the concept entirely.
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